Maggie Gallagher’s syndicated column was “retired” today, wink, nudge. For those of you not in the know, Maggie is the founder of the National Organization for Marriage, the driving force behind almost every anti-marriage equality movement out there. She is not, however, the most vulgar opponent of marriage equality. Resisting the temptation to make arguments centered around how gross gay people are, she tends to take a hilarious hard-line approach that seems to be some warped version of rationality, like anti-rationality. This is what makes her so amusing. From her farewell column today:
Sex makes babies. Society needs babies. Babies need their mother and their father. Men and women need each other. We all need a strong marriage culture, whether we choose to marry or not.
If it is true that sex makes babies, then that is clearly the most important thing about sex, the thing around which a decent person or society will organize sexual values, behavior and norms.
Sex makes babies! Thanks, Maggie! Wait, there’s more:
But we need, as well, a next generation of culture creators, of storytellers, with the credentials to name reality: empirical social scientists, novelists, poets, preachers and filmmakers.
We need donors to invest in building the networks and communities through which such voices are born, flourish and give meaning to the lives of millions.
The future belongs to those of us with enough hope to rebuild on the ashes of optimism, a new American civilization — uniting sex, love, babies, mothers and fathers in this thing called marriage.
Did you get that? Scientists, novelists, poets, preachers, and filmmakers. These are important, and we’re not going to have any of these unless you all stop jerking off and start making BABIES DAMMIT. GET MARRIED AND MAKE BABIES. THAT IS LITERALLY YOUR ONLY JOB.
Oh man. Oh, I have to dry my laughter tears.
Don’t worry, I’m obviously aware that I would have to paraphrase her. I won’t plagiarize. But doesn’t she make fantastic inspiration for a lunatic preacher who, in spite of being given a multitude of opportunities, is unable to comprehend even the most basic workings of the world outside of her own head? She’s a rare find.